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First time

Kratos | 20 May 2009, 11:48am

I consider myself a good guy…I care about people’s feelings and I try not to hurt anyone deliberately. I have never taken advantage of people’s weak moments… except maybe once. 

Her name was Tanvi – happiness, laughter, shopping at Lifestyle and Sharukh Khan Movies was what she was all about. We met the very first day in college (March, 2004) as lab partners and became the best of friends . But our friendship was tested one summer evening. It all started with Tanvi telling me that she had been dumped by her boyfriend.

I always believed that long distance relationships are hard to maintain, so I wasn’t very surprised when Tanvi told me about the end of hers. Classes had finished for the day and we met in the canteen like usual. The evening was great, it was raining steadily and the air was slightly chilly. The setting summer sun spread its red hue over the horizon. I could tell she had been crying and I also knew the reason. I had expected this for many days now.

She told me about the conversation that ended it all. Her boyfriend had said some harsh things to her and I could see that she was crushed. I offered her a ride home but she didn’t want to go home yet. She didn’t want her family to see her like this. She asked me to take her to a nearby lake where we usually hung out with a bunch of friends.

She was mostly quiet during the car ride to the lake, just an occasional sigh. Her eyes were red and watery. I knew I wasn't good at consoling people, so I kept my mouth shut. 

I parked under a tree with a view of the lake right in front of us. The rain still persisted, but the light was failing. We stared at the lake silently until it was too dark to see ahead. All we could see now were tiny specks of light on the opposite bank. I didn’t know what lay on the other side, probably a small village.

“See those lights? It’s beautiful isn’t it?”, I said breaking the silence.

“Do you think I am pretty?” she asked. Totally unexpected.

“That’s a stupid question Tinnu. You’re very beautiful and you know it; Abhishek knows it too.” I said, starting to get angry at the moronic boyfriend.

“He said it’s not worth continuing the relationship anymore since we have been fighting all the time”, her eyes were closed as she said this.

“He’s just angry so he’s saying mean stuff. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.”

“But he said ‘It’s not worth it’. If I were beautiful maybe it would’ve been worth it”, she started to cry again.

I could see that Abhishek, the damned fool, had crushed her confidence completely. When I said she was beautiful, I was by no means lying. She was the prettiest girl in class and she had a very good personality to go with it. I cursed Abhishek for his stupidity.

Tanvi took her safety belt off and turned on her seat till she was facing me directly. I could only partially see her face in the dark.

“That’s all you pigs care about don’t you? How the girl looks. If you find a better looking girl, you dump the old one” Her eyes were narrowed in anger.

“That’s unfair Tinnu. I am not like that and you know it. I am pretty sure Abhishek didn’t break up with you because of another girl. He just messed up. If he knows what’s good for him, he will apologize and come back to you.”

“I don’t want that asshole back!” she shouted.

Suddenly her expression changed “I am sorry. You’re trying to help me and I am screaming at you” I could see she was in pain. I immediately felt a wave of compassion towards her. I snapped my seatbelt off and faced her, taking her hands in mine.

“Abhishek is a moron for not seeing you as you are. He was lucky to have you in his life till now. I guess his luck just ran out.”

She stared at me for a few seconds and suddenly, just like that, we shared the first kiss of our lives. We were both surprised at first and the kiss went on for only a couple of seconds. We stared at each other for a few more seconds and then kissed again for the second time. This time it was longer than before. We didn't stop there.

We didn’t speak of that night ever again. Abhishek had apologized to Tanvi the next day as I had predicted and they got back together immediately. Surprisingly, everything was completely back to normal.

In retrospect, I knew that she would kiss me that night even before I said the words that made her do it. I knew she had lost her confidence, I knew she was vulnerable and I knew what effect the words would have on her. I also knew Abhishek would get back to her eventually. Why did I do it then?

Maybe I am evil…driven by my lust even though I had no feelings for her except just friendship.

Maybe I am good…I knew she needed to feel desired at that particular moment and I gave it to her.  

Maybe both, I don’t know. It’s hazy now.

Tanvi is here in the US now and so is Abhishek. I met them recently in Chicago and they looked happy together. As I was saying my goodbyes, a momentary glance shared between me and Tanvi was all that remained as proof of that night. I don’t know if I will ever see her again. 


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Asking a Non-Desi out…AKA…suicide

Kratos | 21 April 2009, 2:48am

There’s this girl, Candy who works in my office. She’s an undergrad (translation: fun). She is blessed with the best possible combination of Asian and American genes. She’s the cutest and hottest thing I’ve ever seen. So naturally, I stare at her like the shameless bugger I am.  


Anytime a friend visits me, I make sure to take them to my office through the more scenic route….that is, across the hall where Candy works the copy machine or fax machine or whatever that thing is.


I was giving Chirag the same tour of the facility when he said something that made the nice old receptionist lady look up in disbelief. Let me tell you a little something about Chirag before I continue.


If you’ve read my previous post, you would know that he is new to the group. The first thing we’ve noticed about him is his unique thought process (or the lack of it). Normal rules of etiquette don’t apply to him. He flirts with any female in his path, regardless of her relationship status, even if she’s just been introduced to him or even is she’s the 46 year old land-lady. He also seems completely oblivious to the alarmed looks people give him after he says something completely inappropriate. The guys like having him around naturally, because he takes all the attention away from our own occasional blunders.


So, I was not very surprised when he said “Whoa! You should totally bang her dude! Right there on the copy machine! Brrrrrr…Bang Bang Bang!”


Of course, knowing Chirag, I understood that what he would have actually said (if he were a normal person) is that I should ask her out. Why didn’t I ask her out? I’ve been staring at her for 1 year now.  I decided I should at least think about it.


And then I started thinking. What kind of guys would she normally go out with? With the cutest little smile, sparkly black eyes and several other exhilarating assets, she would have no difficulty getting the captain of the swimming team and the captain of the baseball team fight to the death for her. But then I remembered what I read once in Debonair (a very intellectually stimulating publication for the gentlemen young in years and matured in thought). The article said that the most beautiful girls are often not asked out because they are considered unattainable. That is, no one wants to ask a beautiful woman out because they think she would've already been asked by much better guys. It sounded like wishful thinking, but I’ve always been a fan of wishful thinking.


Then I remembered what Russell Peters once said during his routine. Apparently his date with a hot American girl went really well ;) and so when they were about to do it…he took off his shirt. And the girl goes…“YEWWWW!” All that chest hair...alas! Peters explains that his penis inverted at that exact moment.


Very discouraging indeed! But then again, I was getting ahead of myself. I was yet to ask her out. So I decided the sooner I ask her out, the better. I dressed up a little the next day, got my game face on, deo and mouthwash. I was ready. I walked up to her desk and said…Hi.


“Oh hey! I know you! You played the bass guitar at that Indian music concert right…I can’t remember what it was called”




“Oh yeah! You were awesome! Me and my friends so loved the way you played!”


At this point I would like SO much to stop writing this post. But alas, I owe you the truth…and the rest of the conversation.


“That wasn’t me, it was another guy” I said, while my heart was breaking into several pieces.


“Oh…I’m sorry…you look just like him” she says looking a little embarrassed. But not as embarrassed as I was feeling.


“Ah…well, sorry to disappoint you…I guess I just look like him without the awesome guitar playing skills”


“Oh don’t can learn to play the guitar from that guy. He was just adorable. Do you know him? Can you introduce us?”


At this point I was ready to kill myself. At this exact moment, Chirag decides to show up and shouts from across the hall, waving frantically.


“Dude…you’re finally doing it! Naaaiiiccce! Brrrr..Bang Bang Bang!’ He also did a little thrust with his hips while saying bang bang bang.


The nice old receptionist lady looked up in disbelief again and Candy just stared at me.


I murmured a ‘See you around Candy’ and walked straight back to my office, dragging the idiotic moron with me.

Moral of the day: Don't kid yourself and never invite morons to your office.



Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: some shitty song!
Currently Reading: pelican brief
Recent Movies: bucket list

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Kratos | 21 March 2009, 2:22am

Yesterday night I went out with Chirag and Shikha to catch a movie. I don't know Chirag that well, but Shikha and I go way back. Now, don't get me wrong. Shikha has a boyfriend back in Missouri. I know him personally and can totally understand what she sees in him.

What I and Shikha have is nothing more than friendship, one that grew out of being in a foreign land away from our families for the first time in our lives.

The movie turned out to be pretty adult with lots of shocking scenes thrown in. A few whispered jokes and comments later, she suddenly put her hand in mine and her head on my shoulder. Chirag was on my right and didn't notice this. I felt pretty weird. I knew I couldn't take my hand back without offending her. I also knew that she loved her boyfriend. I did not understand what I could do, so we watched the rest of the movie like that.

Shikha and I didn't speak on the way back. I did not even look at her directly and walked a few steps ahead of her. After a murmured goodnight we headed back to our respective homes.

I couldn't get any sleep. The evening's events kept repeating themselves in my head. Somehow Shikha seemed different to me now. Thoughts sprang up in my head, stuff which I had never thought about...not with Shikha.

I went on messenger, looking for friends to talk to but didn't find anyone online. It was close to 2 AM, no one was awake. I waited a while and was about to close messenger when suddenly I get a ping from Shikha.


Yup. Didnt go to sleep kya?

No. Can't. Kirthy and Abhi are doing it in the bedroom again :(

Ha Ha. So locked out of your own bedroom. Tough. U must be missing Digvijay so much right now :D :D


So did you like the movie?

No reply....

Did you fall asleep?

No. Just thinking...abt Diggy.

What about him? Are you angry with him or something? You didn't answer his call during the movie.

I was watching the movie na re. I didnt wanna be disturbed.

Ok...did you return his call atleast?

Can you stop talking abt diggy! Why do you have to ask so many questions all the time? I hate that about you.

ok ok. What do you wanna talk abt then?

I donno

Then go to sleep. Its 2 AM!



I wanna talk...but I am too lazy to type.

Then go to sleep.

But I wanna talk...I don't wanna sleep.
I don't wanna chat either.

1 minute wait... 

Do you want me to come over?

No...I will. cya soon.


Moral of the day: When it's after 2, just go to sleep. (HIMYM)


Current Mood: happy
Current Music: rehna tu...
Currently Reading: none

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